


Our Bruises Seem to Surface

by islandgirl



Series: A Very Buddie Christmas [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Absent Parents, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christmas, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Supportive Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28322013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandgirl/pseuds/islandgirl
Summary: He’s not sure what’s the worst thing about it. That he’s not surprised by his parents, once again, not showing up for Christmas, that they expect him to accept it without any true explanation, or that he’s genuinely hurt by their blithe attitude.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: A Very Buddie Christmas [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062560
Comments: 4
Kudos: 219
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Our Bruises Seem to Surface

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by ["Snow" by Sleeping at Last](https://youtu.be/jLKmcSuMeCI).
> 
> _Our families huddle closely  
>  Betting warmth against the cold  
> But our bruises seem to surface  
> Like mud beneath the snow  
> So we sing carols softly, as sweet as we know  
> A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go …  
> May we remember who we are  
> Unconditionally cared for  
> By those who share our broken hearts_

_We won’t be able to make it this year, Evan. You understand, don’t you?_

He’s not sure what’s the worst thing about it. That he’s not surprised by his parents, once again, not showing up for Christmas, that they expect him to accept it without any true explanation, or that he’s genuinely hurt by their blithe attitude. Like Christmas with their children didn’t matter, like it was something he was making too big a deal over. _Oh you know Evan, always so melodramatic_ , he can practically hear his mother’s amused voice stating.

Buck turns the phone over in his hands, flipping it from palm to palm as he stares out over the empty engine bay. For once, he’s glad he’s the man behind; he’s not sure being hopped up on adrenaline right now is the best thing for him. It’s only when he’s feeling like this, like he’s a raw exposed bundle of nerves, that he tends to make unwise decisions. Bobby would call it reckless.

Add it to the list of words used to describe him. Immature. Melodramatic. Foolish. All words his parents have used in the past to define him. But that’s the kid they used to know, the kid who took off after graduation and never looked back, the kid that bounced from place to place and job to job, never satisfied. That’s not him anymore. That’s all he wanted them to see.

His phone lights up in his hands again as his palm hits the screen. The image staring back up at him makes him pause. Three smiling faces stare up at him, radiating pure love and happiness. Buck remembers that day fondly; hoisting Chris up on his back so they could take a picture together, Eddie popping his head in the frame at the last second. In the moment frozen in time, both Eddie and Chris’s face are scrunched up in laughter while Buck’s own eyes flick upward fondly.

This. This is the version of himself he wants his parents to see. The goofy, playful parent-adjacent adult in Christopher’s life. The smart and cool-under-pressure firefighter. The loyal, dependable partner Eddie in every way.A guy who is slowly gathering the puzzle pieces of life and figuring out how they fit. He may not have it all together just yet, but he’s getting there. He’s grown. He wants his parents to see that, to look at him through different eyes and maybe, just maybe, be proud of him. For once in his life, he wants to be enough for them.

Being alone with his churning thoughts, though, probably isn’t a much wiser choice either, Buck realizes. Given too much time to dwell, Buck can think himself in circles, tying himself into knots that take ages and gentle hands to untangle.

Thankfully, the shrill beeps of the ladder truck backing in fill the air and the bay is full once more. The stillness is broken by doors closing and the crew moving around. It’s not long before footsteps sound leading up to the loft, a lone figure breaking off from the group and settling next to Buck at the railing. He doesn’t have to look over to know it’s Eddie, the warm weight pressing against his shoulder is telling enough. Buck has been in a funk all day, since receiving the quick, three minute phone call from his mother this morning, and Eddie has been quietly moving in his orbit, just waiting patiently for Buck to gather his thoughts.

“They’re not coming,” Buck tells him quietly, words slipping free before he can think about it too much. At Eddie’s silence, Buck takes a slow deep breath and glances over. “My parents. They’re not coming for Christmas. Again.”

The way Eddie’s brown tucks down into a furrow, lips pinching the slightest at the corners, tells Buck everything he needs to know. Eddie has some strong feelings about that, ones he won’t voice until he’s sure Buck is ready to hear them. If he’s ever ready to hear them.

Instead, Eddie’s arm leaves it’s place resting on the railing and snakes its way around Buck’s back. He pulls Buck tight against him for a moment, long enough for the tension to ease, then he lets go. His hand doesn’t move though, stays grounded on Buck’s back, a steady reassurance and encouragement.

“I know it’s stupid. It’s not like we were ever close, ya know,” Buck murmurs, dropping his head. His fingers tap at the screen, illuminating those cheerful faces once again. “I’ve just always been a screw up to them. I was never enough and I just really wanted them to see who I am now.”

_To see us._

Even after all these years, he still just wants his mom and dad to look at him and not see a disappointment or a failure. He knows he’s not, he’s worked hard to build a life for himself, a life that he loves. And while it maybe not be what they would have chosen for him, a small part of him just wants their approval, wants to feel some love reflected back at him .

A larger part of him knows, though, that it will never happen.

“It’s not stupid, Buck.” Eddie reassures him.

The tone of his voice forces Buck to drag his gaze away from the Eddie frozen in time on his phone to the one standing next to him. The love he sees in that gaze makes his heart squeeze in his chest. There’s more than just love there, though. There’s understanding and it sends a pang of guilt through Buck. He sometimes forgets that Eddie, and Chim too, understand this bruised feeling when it comes to parental relationships. With how wonderful Abuela and Peppa are, he forgets how strained the relationship is with Eddie's parents. It’s something he wishes they didn’t have in common.

Eddie slides his hand up to Buck’s shoulder, pushing just enough to get them face to face. His thumb runs along Buck’s collarbone, settling against the side of his neck, pulse thrumming along his finger tip. Their eyes lock, gaze held steady so that Buck knows every word about to come out of Eddie’s mouth is the absolute truth.

“I’m sorry they’re not coming. And I’m sorry they’re missing out on knowing you. But Buck, you have to know that you are enough. For me. For Chris. For everyone here. You are more than enough. You are everything.”

Buck swallows thickly, overwhelmed. The conviction in Eddie’s voice threatens to tip him over the edge. Knowing that someone _sees_ him, has seen him through some of the worst life has thrown his way and still wants to stay with him, still thinks that highly of him, to know he is wanted, needed, loved, it sends a dizzying rush of love through him. He reaches up to grab Eddie’s wrist, grounding himself as the warm feeling wraps around his whole body. Eddie looks so open and earnest that Buck can’t help but believe him, can only swipe futility at his teary eyes and nod his head. If this were another time, another place, he’d lean in right now and press their lips together.

“Looks like we have a visitor.”

Bobby calls from the kitchen, breaking the quiet spell. Buck lets out a shaky breath as Eddie gives him a soft smile, squeezing his shoulder in comfort. When he turns to look, Buck can see a familiar car pull up outside the open bay doors. Eddie follows his gaze and his smiles grows wider, eyes sparkling as he links their fingers together and gives him a tug in the direction of the stairs.

“Come on, I know how to cheer you up.”

It’s a cloudy, blustery day in LA, but Buck feels like the sun is shining on him when Christopher climbs out of the car all excited laughter and smiles. He crashes into his father’s legs, wrapping his arms tight around them.

“Hey buddy,” Eddie greets him, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of that curly head. “How was your day?”

Christopher looks up, mouth already open to start in on his story when he catches sight of Buck standing a few feet away. Impossibly, that grin grows even wider.

“Bucky!” Chris cheers, releasing his father in favor of reaching out for Buck.

Buck squats down, at the ready for when Christopher and his buzzing energy hits him full force. It takes nothing to swoop him up and hold him close, Chris’s arm wrapping around his neck and squeezing tight. Buck wiggles them back and forth making Chris laugh, the sound like a soothing balm to his soul. Eddie’s right, one hug, one smile, one laugh from Christopher and everything else starts to melt away to the background.

“Well this is a surprise.” Buck leans back from Chris a bit so he can see him and his contagious smiles. “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?”

“It’s Christmas break, Buck,” Chris tells him, exasperation in his voice. “We got out early.”

“And since he got out early, someone insisted that we stop for hot chocolate on the way here,” Carla states, sounding amused as he pulls Christopher’s backpack from the back seat.

“Sounds reasonable to me,” Buck shrugs, grinning at his favorite kid. He doesn’t need to look over at Eddie to see the eye-roll, Carla’s soft snicker gives it away.

“Sorry if we’re a little late.”

“You have perfect timing,” Eddie assures her, slinging the bag over his shoulder. When another gust of wind whips through the street, Eddie movesto pull the collar of Christopher’s coat up around his neck a little more, trying to buffer him against the chill. His hand brushes softly against the side of Buck’s neck before it settles, lingering on the back of Buck’s shoulder.

“Buck, are you coming with us to see Santa tonight?”

Buck glances over at Eddie, unsure of how to answer. They hadn’t talked about it, hadn’t made many plans for the holiday at all really because Buck’s parents were supposed to be in town. Now he just has a large blank space in his calendar where family dinners and celebrations should have been. That doesn’t mean he can just hone in on Eddie and Chris’s plans though. He’s already trying to prepare how to soften to blow of rejection to his favorite human when Eddie steps in for him.

“Of course he is.”

Christopher cheers again, listing off plans for baking cookies and watching Christmas movies. Buck can’t quite follow his excited chatter, though,as his gaze locks on Eddie, questioning. _Are you sure you’re okay with this?_

An eyebrow is just quirked in his direction tossing the question right back at him? _Is there anywhere else you’d rather be?_

No. No there really isn’t. If he could chose to be anywhere in the world, it’d be with Chris and Eddie. They are everything he needs and more.

The way Eddie is looking at him right now, soft, fond smile curling his lips, eyes glinting in merriment, Buck can feel that same blossom of love warming his chest. _You are more than enough. You are everything._ And while his heart is still bruised from his parent’s rejection once again, he finds that it doesn’t hurt as much, not when he has Eddie and Chris.

“Of course I’ll be there tonight, superman,” Buck tells him, giving Chris another quick squeeze for emphasis. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I swear all these Christmas fics weren't supposed to be angsty ... oops.
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/cptmeatball)


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